I hate the pain. I hate the continual throbbing aching reality that i live in. It subsides for days at a time..then suddenly rears its ugly head...at the most inopportunime time if i may add. I seem to have to resort to pain killers to cure a cancer, morphine to alleviate a gangrenous foot.
Constant distraction seems to be the key. But how long can this last? How long can i play cat and mouse with myself and hope to win? How long can you escape your shadow? If this be, then i must be in constant and perpetual darkness..unable to confront the light for fear of seeing, and having to admit, the inevitable.
I must face it at some point. Which point is this? Perhaps when I can admit it to myself that it is over. But no. Not yet. Not now. I cannot. My heart cannot let go now. I am bound and, to some extent, gagged. What does this mean? Will i ever be free? What is freedom? Perhaps the realization that the only thing i risk losing when i let go of someone or something i am scared to live without is the fear itself.
I cannot and shall not live in fear. I must step out into the light. I must let go. I must live wild and die free.
